Priapus

It was Either Zeus, Hermes, Adonis, or Dionysus who impregnated Aphrodite, creating the magnificent Priapos. Whoever the father was, the act of union offended the sensibilities of Hera, who, with a magic touch to Aphrodite's belly, cursed the child growing there in the way most offensive to Aphrodite: she made him ugly. Priapos was born with a huge belly, huge feet, hands, nose, tongue, and a gigantic, continuously erect phallus, so unusual that its head was said to point to the rear. The obscenity of this creature so offended Aphrodite that she cast him out of her realm and abandoned him in the wilderness.

There, as we might expect, he was taken in by a herdsman, who found that wherever this incredible creature went, everything grew like crazy: Plants shot up from the ground, and animals hopped upon each other, copulating furiously and giving birth. Priapos soon became known as a fertility god, but this is only a part of his aspect. He also was the tutor of Ares, teaching the young battle god to dance before teaching him to be a warrior. Priapos was said to have tried to rape Hestia and was prevented only by the braying of an ass which woke the goddess in time to avoid this dubious and troublesome fate. He also was said to cure impotence, bring good luck and was particularly adept at warding off the evil-eye.

This outstanding figure was known to the Greeks as Priapos, to the Romans, Priapus. It is rumored that during the early stages of Christianity, the church had succeeded in getting the pagans to give up worship of all the old gods, save Priapus. No matter what threats or enticements were applied, and the latter reportedly included various claims of the possesion of the genetalia of Jesus, the loyal worshipers of Priapus would not give up reverance for their favorite god. The expression of this unwavering reverance included the baking of bread in the shape of phalli on every available celebratory occasion, including church holidays. Unable to disuade the people from this rather un-Christain practice, the wise church fathers sanctified the loaves, providing each had three crosses carved into its top. Thus was the supposed beginning of hot crossed buns.

Septimius Severus was a general of great skill. Born in Africa in 146 AD, he married Julia Domna, it is said, who had a soothsayer's prediction that she would be married to an emperor. After Pertinax was killed and Didius Julianus won the throne by offering the greatest amount of money to the Praetorians, Septimius, by then the governor of Upper Pannonia, hurried to Rome with his Legions. Julianus was already dead by the time he got there in 193 AD. He disbanded the Praetorians, and then defeated his rival Pescennius Niger in the east, then Clodius Albinus in the west in 197 AD, finally dying of natural causes in Britain in 211 AD.

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